doing

having been on total vacation since graduation i've learned a lot about what i want to do and what plan of action i want to take to continue my venture into the fashion world. at first i was completely mortified getting back from vacationing in south carolina. what should i do? should i get an internship, yes but where and how can i support myself? who will actually accept me as an intern? do i want to work for this company, but what about their mission? so many questions have flooded into my head as i am constantly analyzing and reanalyzing, and what i have realized is that i am entirely scared and that is why i continue to question. if i am constantly questioning, i am not doing, which allows me to put off doing what i need to do, and that is what i am scared of: doing. at the root of doing is the fear of failing in the "doing." the fear of failing has in the past as i have evaluated held me back from many opportunities. the one that comes most to mind is leaving the fashion department halfway through my junior year. i can honestly say that i left in fear that i would fail second semester and not live up the the expectations of my peers and family. i actually left when i was probably at the peak, i had a scholarship under my belt and great constructive feedback from peers and teachers, but it was getting really "hard," and i feared that i could not succeed or overcome whatever it was that i felt i had to achieve. through analyzing this i have found i have a pattern. i could not articulate this revelation when i had it, in the time i decided to go back to the fashion department in my first semester of my second senior year, but i can plainly say that i give up when it gets hard in any situation, like extremely hard. this pattern applies to all things that have occurred in my life: sports, art, relationships, work, real life, school, etc. i really don't know where this fear of failure stems from? at this point its not worth my time worrying over because i will be perpetuating my system of wasting time through questioning and over analyzing.

two teachers of mine who i highly respect, have taught me a tremendous amount about process and practice as an artist, and i finally get what they were saying in their critiques/ one- on- ones with me, ", just do, just do it, don't worry." you would think telling me "just do it"would be simple for me to digest and play out, but for me it's probably one of the hardest motions i can do/could've done. when one is brought up in an environment where you constantly have to analyze the situation, the "life" situation you are handed and look at the results from "doing" you simply apply this analyzation to everything you do. looking back at all the times that i have "just do it," they simply have had the best results: applying to a college i had never visited/thoroughly investigated, purchasing tickets to ireland on a whim/total last second (top five coolest trips and self rewarding trips i have taken), the internship in London, etc.

so from now i am going to just "do" and not worry about the results, taking life as it comes and not worrying about failure, because frankly i have been cutting myself short of life's possibilities.